Before we get started on this 'sensitive' topic a story is warranted.  The following is a true story.

Since my wife Jaine started kindergarten, she was the perfect student.  She was smart, very cooperative and was the pet of every teacher she ever had.  When Jaine was in 1st grade, the entire elementary school went on a field trip to the Henry Vilas Zoo in Madison, Wisconsin.  The kids got to see all of the animals and Jaine was particularly interested in the baboons.

A totally innocent 1st grader, Jaine asked a rather mischievous 4th grader what was the name of that animal.  "Why, those are red-assed monkeys!" he said to Jaine.

The next day Jaine's first grade teacher asked what were the students' favorite animals.  "What's your favorite animal you saw at the zoo,  Mark?" asked the teacher.  "I like the elephants!" said Mark.  "Very good, Mark, and what's your favorite animal, Beth?"  "I like the camels!" said Beth.  "They're so unusual aren't they, Beth. And Jaine, what's your favorite animal at the zoo?"  "I liked the red-assed monkeys!"  said Jaine.  "How nice, Jaine!  Well, children I think we've had enough fun talking about our favorite animals...let's everyone pull out our coloring books and do some nice pictures for our Moms and Dads!"

Yup, people don't like talking about monkey butts.  It can be a 'sore' topic to discuss, but when it comes to long distance riding, cyclists have to contend with it every day.  

Believe me, I have 'intimate' experience with this problem.  Last year when I was thinking about doing a bike trip across America, I took a bike ride on rail trails all the way from Trempeleau, WI (right across from Winona, MN) to Brodhead WI.  It's about 320 miles.  The first day I got lost and wound up in Winona and traveled 30 miles before I realized my mistake.  Having arranged a hotel in Elroy, WI, I had to travel 100 miles, and when I finally got to the hotel 130 miles later, I was seriously suffering from the heartbreak of monkey butt.  Undaunted, the next day I did an 80 mile ride with 'Filet of Hole', and it was a true 'House of Pain'.  When I chaffed into Dodgeville WI to stay the night, Jaine came by and brought A&D ointment and that saved the day.

You only need to 'tickle the dragon's tail' once to get tuned in on lubing up before a long ride and there are 3 products that I've tried that work very well.  They are A&D Ointment, Chamois Butt'r and DZ Nuts.

There's lot's of other products for sports lubrication such as Body Glide and Oops Oil and there's even a product called Anti Monkey Butt, but  I'm not experienced with them.

Bike chamois refer to the pad inside of a pair of biking pants.  A bike chamois used in conjunction with a sports lubricant is the best protection on long rides against road rash.

From my experience, a biker should 'lube up' when doing any ride over 50 miles.  My biking mentor, Jeff Verink of Stonehall Bike Shop in Monroe WI explained why.  "When you go on long rides and generate a lot of salt and sweat on the ride, you get natural chaffing of the skin.  The skin develops micro-lesions, and these lesions become harbors for bacteria.  Once bacteria sets in, you get road rash."  In other words, monkey butt.

The best way avoid monkey butt is prevention.  Lube before every long ride and you won't get it.  A friend we know, started exhibiting the symptoms of that 'crippler of young adults' and I got him tuned into A&D Ointment first to cure the rash. After his 'tender vittles' heals, he'll be on Chamois Butt'r for the rest of the trip.

Myself?  Lesson learned, I've been using either Chamois Butt'r or DZ Nuts since I've started in San Francisco.  If it's a hot desert ride I'll use DZ Nuts.  It feels like an atomic bomb went off in your pants when it first goes on, but it goes into a nice 'chill' and it really protects on long rides.  I use Chamois Butt'r for most of my normal rides.  In this way, I've been able to string together a lot of long rides as I traversed Nevada...the subject of my next blog.

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